Destigmatizing Pleasure to Dismantle Sexual Shame
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When I was first told about sex, I was shocked—not by the act itself, but by the fact that you have to do that to have a baby.
Even as a very young child, I was aware of the stigma and taboo surrounding the subject. Society’s discomfort with sex was apparent in the hushed tones people tended to use when speaking of it; it was apparent in the flustered demeanor my parents adopted when I would ask a question about a line in a movie, or a song; and it was apparent in the fact that, when I was 10 years old, my mom took me out of the house (“an outing, just the two of us”) in order to have “the talk” in private.
The reason I was so shocked that intercourse is necessary to conceive, is that, because of all the hushed tones, flustered demeanors, and private talks, I had been under the impression that any sort of sexual act was a deviant act. Never, in a million years, would I have suspected that my own parents had done this—and at least three times (once per kid)! I thought that sex was an embarrassing thing that people would bury in their past and regret forever. Something that wasn’t even that common (though it was sure talked about a lot); a strange, perverted act designed only for those who were willing to abandon their dignity, pride, and worth. Something that you definitely shouldn’t want to do. Before even knowing what it was, I knew there was shame involved.
When it comes to sexual education in most public schools, the curriculum seems to provide children and teens with a shamefully small amount of information, and leave the rest concealed in a cloud of odious embarrassment and ignorance. There is this horrible notion that many people have, that in order to “preserve the innocence” of children, the topic of sex should be discussed in as few details as possible. But promoting inaccurate facts or limited knowledge of the subject is not “preserving innocence,” it is “preserving ignorance,” and those are two very different things. Ignorance is not bliss when the consequences are as life altering as STIs, pregnancy, or even shame.
So, where does shame fit in? The answer is, in every single nook and cranny. When aspects of sex and sexuality aren’t normalized in conversation, even just natural curiosity can feel dirty, and wrong.
Children start to feel curious about their bodies, and often begin to explore their own sexual pleasure, early on in childhood. Many children and toddlers begin experimenting with masturbation at a very young age—even fetuses have been seen to masturbate in the womb. This behavior is extremely common, natural and healthy, and yet, parents can tend toward fear when witnessing this in their young, because they instantly correlate it to sex—something that their children are in no way ready for, emotionally or physically. But with self-pleasure, there is absolutely no risk involved. It is perfectly normal for kids to just do what naturally feels good. This is a fragile and formative time for children, and if parents don’t handle these moments responsibly, damage can be done. Honest, open communication is the only way for parents to successfully navigate the topic of sex, pleasure, safety, and more. An adult’s embarrassment, evasiveness, or toxic-modesty in conversation will only enforce the notion that sex is shameful and should not be discussed.
We must break the pattern of ingrained sexual shame in our youth by destigmatizing pleasure. As a young girl, I heard about sex for the first time as: love, penetration, child (which is a lot better than marriage, penetration, child, though still not perfect). Upon hearing this, my young mind came to the unwarranted conclusion that every other sex act (including self-pleasure) must be even more dirty and shameful than intercourse, because I’d hardly heard anything about them. The truth is that when children are first hearing about sex, they’re not in the market for love, penetration, child. They are only ready to possibly begin exploring their own bodies, so they need to know that it’s normal to do so.
I have seen internalized sexual shame in my friends, in my family, and in people all over the internet. It doesn’t always just go away as you get older, you have to work for it. You have to decide to tell yourself the truth; that pleasure is not shameful. We owe it to our kids to tell them the same.
Guest Blogger Chloe Chapman is a More Than Sex-Ed Volunteer. She participated as a teenage student in More Than Sex-Ed classes. Chloe believes in sex positive teaching, and that all children and adolescents deserve accurate and comprehensive information about everything from pleasure, to safety, to gender and beyond.
