Single In A Pandemic--Guest Blogger Rosie DePaul

So you want to talk about what it’s like to be single? Like really, extraordinarily single?

Well, try being single and have your roommate move out during a pandemic. 

A transmasculine person with a furry blue coat sitting outdoors with a cup of coffee

After a year of a level of socializing I had  previously only aspired to, I returned from a work trip and the world shut down. Within 5 days, I had lost two of my three jobs and all the coworkers that went along with that, my roommate had moved home to a different state, and I was quarantined with just my kitchen, cello, tv, and running shoes to keep me occupied. 

I should share that my mother is Beth Rendeiro, one of the founders of More Than Sex-Ed, and she has been a fountain of information on sex and dating my whole life. However, in these unprecedented times, she had no advice for me. The man I was casually seeing In February? Not an option. Dating apps? Not going to happen, I was too scared. So what to do? Texting and facetime-ing with friends became a constant, which allowed me to get more comfortable with that medium before introducing dating in that format as well. 

Some of my friends took a different tack, continuing to swipe on various apps and having regular outdoor distanced dates or virtual dates to keep the spark alive. For some reason, though, I just couldn’t get behind it. I saw no reason to force anything during a time where I barely had enough energy to give back to myself. 

Another layer to this is the fact that we now have to worry about catching more than just a potential STI or cold from a new partner. We have to enter into an iron-bound contract with that person stating that we will not put the other in danger through our own daily actions. It’s hard enough to find an exclusive relationship with all doors open to honesty, but now we are sharing all the germs our roommates and friends have been in contact with as well. 

How do you control how the other person protects themselves in their day to day life? You can’t. You have to either consent to the mystery of not knowing if they went inside maskless, or if they spent time in close quarters with someone who may be infected, or not engage at all in the first place; there is no middle ground. That is a huge challenge for a person who is social, sex-positive, and enjoys fun hookups or casual “situationships”. 

My sexual agency feels like it’s been taken away, because I’m not yet ready to re-enter a serious relationship with a trust contract. I’ve chosen to navigate this by simply abstaining and turning off all my app profiles, not even talking to anyone because I essentially trust no one outside my pod. I have to wonder how this will affect my ability to trust partners in the future and how the dating world will adjust accordingly. 

I feel like we as a society just started getting people to understand verbal and physical consent, so it makes me nervous to think about how many people view their own potential for infection as “no big deal” or “part of dating in the time of corona.” It will be interesting to watch how these attitudes change in the coming year, as people begin to relax their stance just because they’re horny or in need of human touch and connection. 

I can, however, confidently say that I am emerging as a better version of myself than I ever would have expected. I spent much of the aforementioned alone time focusing on what I needed, as opposed to my usual focus on what everyone else needs. My tendency to prioritize pleasing others rather than setting healthy boundaries for myself has always been a challenge for me, but through this time of self-reflection, I have developed the skills to address these moments as they arise. When the thought of a post-covid world floats through my mind, I imagine a new level of care being taken in relationships, whether they be platonic, romantic, or familial. I see people taking better care of themselves so they can be better partners, and partnerships being stronger and because both people feel confident and loving in how they treat themselves and each other. 

Additionally, learning to be alone is very important and is often misconstrued as a negative. I’ve found that for a relationship to really work, both parties must respect the other’s alone time and recognize how important that time is to the quality of their relationship. All this to say I think it is possible to be nervous and hopeful simultaneously as we enter a way of life and a style of dating our generation has not yet seen or experienced. I am feeling both ways, but also feeling incredibly lucky that we have the technology and connectedness we do, so all kinds of relationships can thrive no matter the time or distance that would otherwise get in the way.